blow up your tv

I've spent the last few years climbing a mountain only to realize I wasn't interested in the view. I thought I was "catching up" on life by stacking multiple jobs and grinding through 60+ hr weeks. Turns out I was just perfecting the art of missing out. I was sprinting toward a summit never stopping to realize that the only thing waiting for me was more exhaustion. I wasn't living. I was just trying to reach the top.

Last Saturday I stopped climbing.

My partner had mapped out a Saturday dense enough to make an extrovert tired: family visits, edm spin class, art galleries and jazz bands. I wasn't feeling grateful. I wanted to disappear into the default setting of the numbing blue light of a Netflix binge. I was "too tired" to enjoy the very life I'd worked so hard to build.

As we stepped out into the day and chose a 90 min walk to the gallery over taking an Uber - I realized my fatigue wasn't a lack of sleep. It was a lack of aliveness. What actually restores you is choosing curiosity and exploration over comfort.

The long walk was a slow shedding of the work week skin. By the time we reached the gallery I wasn't "drained Chanelle" anymore. We wandered the exhibit separately then came back and shared notes on what moved us.

Then we Ubered to Grossman's Tavern. Stepping inside I found a warm room full of faces twenty years my senior - people who clearly knew the secret to joyful living. There were birthday brownies being passed around like everyone had been invited to the party.

Dinner wasn't a curated experience. It was a grilled cheese and a burger that my partner described as "something the neighbour flipped on the bbq." It was perfect. In a room where not a single person was staring at a screen - I realized that my "empty cup" didn't need to be filled with quiet - it needed to be filled with this.

I had gone from wanting to crawl into bed with Netflix to feeling completely present in the moment. We came home, made popcorn and watched a movie (Sinners) but this time I was actually there. Present. Sunday's inversion class followed the next day. Me and my sister with our heads on the floor and legs in the air seeing the world upside down.

Rest is not the absence of connection and movement. We think that when we are tired we should stop. But some exhaustion isn't a plea for rest. It's a protest against a life lived on "default." I went into the weekend wanting to hide and I came out reenergized because I chose aliveness over comfort. It turns out that one truly nourishing activity can offset a dozen draining ones.

Are you resting or are you drifting from what will make you feel vital again?

Chanelle